I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
