The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
