I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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