Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
