why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
