so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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