You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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