i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
