she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
