i can't believe i had my finger in that
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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