WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
50% drunk capacity currently
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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