Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
