I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
