didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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