I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
