He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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