I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it because I queefed?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
