worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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