felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
