Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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