i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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