On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
smell my finger.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
