I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
