yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
