so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
