I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Randomize
