if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
