you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
