$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
