I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
