Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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