I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
