my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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