Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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