Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
