Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
