Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
