John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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