my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
