he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
