found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
be right there i have to get my cape
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
