She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
