Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just pee around me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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