my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
