It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
