I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
