I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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