I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
