i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
