today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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