RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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