Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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